Idle Time is NO good!

The first two weeks of me not working-I did great. Organized my house, had a yard sale and got to go camping with two girlfriends from work. I had so much fun!!
The day after I got back from camping I hit a major low......I'm 3 days into it now. It's been so long that I've felt this way and I really don't like it. The first day was OK-I laid in bed and watched re-runs of Little House on the Prairie. Those are the best.
ANYWAY,
I keep wondering if I did the right thing. It's better for my family is what I keep hearing-this job is hard on families and friends. I liked the job-well, most of it. I loved the people I worked with-I tend to get attached easily to people which is probably one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time. I feel like I failed. I have never failed at a job. I usually do good at things-what happened? Maybe if I would have asked for a couple weeks off and got back on my anxiety meds things would have been OK? And, by the way, what was with that anxiety anyway? Where in the world did it come from? NEVER have I had an issue with it like I did at this job----it wasn't the nature of the job that made me anxious-but the training aspect of it. Weird.
So, anyway, these thoughts and more have been going through my mind over the last few days. I think I could have made it-just needed more time? Did I make the wrong decision? Doesn't matter anyway since I cant take it back. Ugh. I need peace. I need to know I did the right thing and need to be able to forgive myself if I didn't.

Disappointment

So, I thought I should FINALLY put an update on here. Lots has happened since the last time I updated and I might as well put it out there.
Right now I am officially a stay-at-home mom (until I can find another job). I actually love being home with my kids. It seems our household runs better and is more organized with me home all the time. Since I stopped working I've been able to clean and organize our rooms and this weekend we are even holding a garage sale! I painted Elliots bedroom from a seahawks theme to blue paint with a cute sports border. I made myself a goal that I would do that no matter what....so last week, while it was a chilly 107 degrees outside, I cleaned out and painted Elliots room! Yes, I was a bit crazy! I wanted to get it done though and I did. I swear I could have lost about 10 pounds of sweat! Oh, did I tell you, we dont have air conditioning?
I guess I should write about my job and why I'm no longer working. I really like that job-or most parts of it. There were some areas that I was good in and then there were other areas that I was struggling in for WAY too long. I'm not sure why and I find myself very disappointed in myself because in the past, every job I've had I've always done well at. Also, I was having some MAJOR anxiety issues! In the past during certain things I would get nervous but nothing like I was having with this job. My stomach was often upset, I would be shaky and even started having chest pains. This job totally consumed my life. Even on my days off I would think and worry about the job. I knew things werent going well, and one Thursday, I pulled into work and saw my two supervisors cars and my trainers car there already. I had that sick feeling I was often getting while thinking of workp-this time it was even worse. I knew when I walked in they would all be in a meeting with the Operations Manager. I went to my console and started getting ready for my shift and after a few minutes they all came out.....then it was my turn. He asked to see me for a couple of minutes and when I sat down he asked how I was doing and feeling about how things were going. I couldnt talk and broke down.....I was so determined not to cry but I couldnt help it. We talked for about an hour and came up with a plan. I was going to take a couple of administrative days off and think about whether or not I want to come back-if I did, I had two weeks to get to where I need to be. I decided to go back on Saturday-my anxiety was so bad I almost didnt make it through the day but I finished my whole shift. The next morning we went to church and things got much worse-my chest was so tight, I could hardly take a deep breath, I couldnt talk or else I'd break down again-my stomach hurt really bad and I was shaky again. So, Bill and I talked and we decided I couldnt do this anymore. It wasnt really worth my health. I really dont regret leaving, but I do regret not being able to do the job. I wanted to succeed -it's a cool job. I also dont understand where this anxiety reaction came from?! It's not me.
Anyway, now that I'm not working I feel back to normal. I do think I made the right decision-now we just have to figure out what to do. Unless Bill were to cash out his 401K, we cant live on only one income. I need to find a job-but am not feeling so motivated to do so. I really like being home and the boys like it too....in fact, they want me to homeschool them-which I am totally up for if I knew I was going to stay home all the time. We need some guidance-should we try and sell our house? Is there anything else we can do so I can stay home? If you could be praying with and for us we would really appreciate it!
Now, I need to get ready for another day of our garage sale!!

Trusting God

I havent forgotten about my blog...I was just hoping to have some pictures to post-but I ran over my camera in June-yep, ran over it! I was leaving for my third week at Academy on a Sunday afternoon and while I was backing up, I felt a thump. I was worried that it might have been a small animal or some sort of toy so I got out and went to the back of my van to see.....nothing. So, because I'm so smart, pulled my van up-felt another thump. Looked under the van again and still, nothing! So, once more.....because I'm so smart....backed up all the way, and now could see my camera had been under the front passenger tire!!!! Ugh. It was in its holder so it actually doesnt look so bad, but if you look closely, it doesnt look so good. I wonder if there is actually a camera repairman somewhere?
I have taken some pictures of lots of things with my moms new awesome camera, but we havent downloaded them yet. Some of the pictures are.....my Academy graduation, the boys rock climbing at our gym here in St.Helens, our visit from my Aunt and Uncle from Maine-and more...I just cant remember!!
Things are going ok......kinda. I feel like both our jobs are in limbo. Not sure what God's plan in all this but both Bill and I are experiencing Gods peace right now. I wonder if God is just trying to get our attention or maybe He has something different planned for us?? The waiting and not knowing part is soooo hard! I have to keep reminding myself that His timing is perfect...His ways are not my ways and everything is beautiful in His time. We are trusting Him now.

I will try and get some pictures downloaded soon so I can post them.

Another update

Brady Riley and Elliot

Riley's birthday party

Riley with the swine flu!

Yep, he really had it!!

Elliot on first

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything so I thought I'd do a quick update. Things are going well right now. Riley has recovered from H1N1 and is doing great. Brady has not had much of a problem with his Asthma lately and Elliot is just Elliot. :)

Riley turned 11 on June 1st. I cant believe he's that old already. What a great kid. I am so proud of him and love being his mom! Today he had a birthday party at our park here in St.Helens. There were about 20 kids that showed up and they played a few games of capture the flag and snake in the grass (not sure how that one is played). We all had a lot of fun and the weather was perfect. Not too hot or cold and no rain.

Speaking of rain, last Thursday we had an amazing storm. Well, were I was there was an amazing storm. I've been in Salem for police academy to get my certification for my job. I go back tomorrow for a week and then the following week I'm only there for a few days. I'm actually enjoying my time there even though I have to be in uniform and we have to march a little. Anyway, back to the storm. I really wish I could have taken some pictures. It was so raining and windy. There were about 250 lightning strikes and a tornado warning. I guess 10 minutes from where I was, there was an actual tornado. It was so cool!! Our power went out for a short time, but our class kept going. St.Helens did not get hit very hard at all-but baseball games still got canceled.

So, at academy, I've been learning so much. From Criminal law to Oregon Motor Vehicle Code to Ethics and more. Anyway, it's very interesting and I like it but am missing being at work.

The boys have 4 more days left of school. They are all so excited to be out!! Brady earned the presidential fitness award. We are so proud of him and I know he is proud too. His ceremony is on the 12th, but unfortunately I dont get to go. That's my graduation day from academy. I'm bummed about that. Anyway, here are some pictures of the kids. Hope this finds you all well.

The Flu!

Remember when the Swine Flu first came out? I just rolled my eyes and didn't take it seriously because the media tends to make things way out of proportion......(which I still believe they do)
Anyway, last Wednesday, Riley woke up with a 104 fever and his legs and arms were numb. Weird. The day before his left thigh hurt really bad---so when he woke up the next morning with that fever-I knew something was wrong. My mind went to the worst case-like cancer-but didn't think anything of the flu until the Dr mentioned he could possibly have Swine flu! I kinda laughed at her not knowing if she was serious or not, but she was. He needed to be tested right away. It took 3 of us to hold him down. It was horrible. They had a big syringe filled with water and a long flexible tube attached to the syringe which had to be stuck way up his nose and then the water pushed up and then sucked back out again. Yuck!! Poor guy, I felt so bad for him. The Dr told us the results would be back in 48 hours, but not 6 hours later, the Dr called us and he tested positive for Influenza A, but they needed to send a sample out to test for H1N1 aka swine flu. We had to go back and do the test again!! Poor Riley. It was worse the 2ND time around since he already knew what to expect. I really didn't think that test would come back positive---but Friday afternoon, the lab called and said he was positive! My child had Swine Flu! Oh my goodness-I could not believe it! It's been weird. I had to contact the school to let them know and we've already had a couple of calls from the heath department. Still cant believe it!!
I think his fever has possibly broken today. He woke up with 102 fever and now it is down and he is really clammy like. I'm thinking maybe we might be out of this now? He has developed a nasty cough as have I but I'm thinking with no fever it might be OK.
We cant send him back to school for a while, and they want us to keep Elliot home too. Not sure if we will keep Brady home or not since he was gone all last week for Outdoor School. All of us are on the Swine Flu medicine-so hopefully that will prevent anyone else from getting sick!!

Grandma Noni

My Grandma Noni is now finally at peace and in Heaven. For the past 3 years, anytime I saw her she would tell me "the next time you see me, it'll be in Heaven" She was ready to go Home for a while, but her body just took so long to shut down. Finally, on Thursday morning she went to the arms of Jesus. I am happy for her because she is now at peace and even though her death was expected, it's still hard. She was a sweet lady who loved her family and God with all of her heart. We will miss you Grandma.

What a Difference a Week Makes!

On my last post I was not feeling my best......could you tell? But this week has gone much much better-as far as work goes, and right now, that's a huge part of my life. I switched trainers which I was not all too happy with at first but after this week at work, I'm very glad I did. I really liked my old trainer a lot-she was great but we were both perfectionists and that is so very hard to work under. I was stressing a lot and am now on anxiety pills....but this week is so different. I dont know if its the pills kicking in or the trainer switch. I am actually enjoying going to work and dont dread it like I was before. Today was my Friday and I was actually bummed I dont get to go back for 3 more days! Funny how things change! My week was a busy one though-some pretty tough phone calls that really drained me. But it was good and I got a lot of practice with my multi-tasking skills. Thankfully today was a very slow day because we both needed a "breather" day.
Today was kinda a hard day though-I found out today that my Grandma took a turn for the worse and probably wont make it through the night. She is 96 years old and has lived a good life. The last few years have been hard though-especially this last year. Her body is very slowly shutting down-I'm sad to be losing her but I am happy that she knows Jesus and is going Home!!
It was a bitter sweet kind of Mothers Day-lots of emotions. I was emotionally tired from work and sad for Grandma but am so thankful for the family that God has given me! They are all so good to me!!