Disappointment

So, I thought I should FINALLY put an update on here. Lots has happened since the last time I updated and I might as well put it out there.
Right now I am officially a stay-at-home mom (until I can find another job). I actually love being home with my kids. It seems our household runs better and is more organized with me home all the time. Since I stopped working I've been able to clean and organize our rooms and this weekend we are even holding a garage sale! I painted Elliots bedroom from a seahawks theme to blue paint with a cute sports border. I made myself a goal that I would do that no matter what....so last week, while it was a chilly 107 degrees outside, I cleaned out and painted Elliots room! Yes, I was a bit crazy! I wanted to get it done though and I did. I swear I could have lost about 10 pounds of sweat! Oh, did I tell you, we dont have air conditioning?
I guess I should write about my job and why I'm no longer working. I really like that job-or most parts of it. There were some areas that I was good in and then there were other areas that I was struggling in for WAY too long. I'm not sure why and I find myself very disappointed in myself because in the past, every job I've had I've always done well at. Also, I was having some MAJOR anxiety issues! In the past during certain things I would get nervous but nothing like I was having with this job. My stomach was often upset, I would be shaky and even started having chest pains. This job totally consumed my life. Even on my days off I would think and worry about the job. I knew things werent going well, and one Thursday, I pulled into work and saw my two supervisors cars and my trainers car there already. I had that sick feeling I was often getting while thinking of workp-this time it was even worse. I knew when I walked in they would all be in a meeting with the Operations Manager. I went to my console and started getting ready for my shift and after a few minutes they all came out.....then it was my turn. He asked to see me for a couple of minutes and when I sat down he asked how I was doing and feeling about how things were going. I couldnt talk and broke down.....I was so determined not to cry but I couldnt help it. We talked for about an hour and came up with a plan. I was going to take a couple of administrative days off and think about whether or not I want to come back-if I did, I had two weeks to get to where I need to be. I decided to go back on Saturday-my anxiety was so bad I almost didnt make it through the day but I finished my whole shift. The next morning we went to church and things got much worse-my chest was so tight, I could hardly take a deep breath, I couldnt talk or else I'd break down again-my stomach hurt really bad and I was shaky again. So, Bill and I talked and we decided I couldnt do this anymore. It wasnt really worth my health. I really dont regret leaving, but I do regret not being able to do the job. I wanted to succeed -it's a cool job. I also dont understand where this anxiety reaction came from?! It's not me.
Anyway, now that I'm not working I feel back to normal. I do think I made the right decision-now we just have to figure out what to do. Unless Bill were to cash out his 401K, we cant live on only one income. I need to find a job-but am not feeling so motivated to do so. I really like being home and the boys like it too....in fact, they want me to homeschool them-which I am totally up for if I knew I was going to stay home all the time. We need some guidance-should we try and sell our house? Is there anything else we can do so I can stay home? If you could be praying with and for us we would really appreciate it!
Now, I need to get ready for another day of our garage sale!!